ABCs of Living Sensibly

If you want a sturdy stool that can be used anywhere, build it with 3 legs. It will be stable on uneven surfaces and won’t wobble.

Three legs make a stable, sensible life with alcohol work, as well: Abstinence, Balance, and Consciousness.

Abstinence

Alcohol-free days are good for balance, good for health, in many contexts:

• When our path is long-term abstinence.
• When moderate drinking is our target, and we’re integrating non-drinking days into each week.
• When few or none of our days are alcohol-free, and we’re figuring out how to frame a DAFT day as something positive to do for ourselves (instead of something to do without).

(Note: If a day without alcohol triggers withdrawal symptoms, get appropriate medical care ASAP. Left untreated, withdrawal can kill.)

For me, abstinent days aren’t about being somber, grown-up, or even disciplined. They can be joyful (or not), contented (or not quite), but most of all they are ordinary, familiar, and more focused on what I’m doing than what I’m not doing.

Balance

Healthy balance relates to how we think about alcohol as well as what we do or don’t do with it. It can include:

• A full life — friendships, activities, interests — much of which doesn’t include alcohol or focus on it.
• Alcohol-free days liberally scattered through half or more of the calendar.
• Moderate, responsible drinking zero-4 days per week.
• Planning, but not obsessing about, drinking and abstaining.

(See MM’s site for a more complete description of a moderate drinker.)

Balance is not always possible.

• Initial steps toward a balanced life often require a phase of focus and energy that may not feel natural, normal, or balanced at first.
• Athletes who play professionally or reach for the Olympics have generally spent time compulsively building their strength and skill.
• Musicians, physicians, attorneys, and nurses spend a phase of their lives being obsessively devoted to their training.
• Grief or trauma, as well, can thrust us out of balance for a season and into survival mode, focusing exclusively on managing the crisis of the moment.

Hyper-focus is generally not sustainable over the long term, though. Balance is healthy, and when live in extremes our brains and bodies will often find ways to force us toward more sensible, sustainable habits.

Consciousness

And, it’s not just what we do that keeps life in balance, it’s how we frame it for ourselves. In order to integrate abstinence and balance, we need to be aware, intentional, realistic, and prepared.

In every life there are days and seasons in which life is neither tidy nor neatly controlled. The forces which kept things orderly the day or season prior fail, and we’re challenged to regroup, refine our skills, adjust our expectations, and reprioritize.

The essential tasks here are:

• Taking frank and honest stock of our status quo and how it fits (or contradicts) where we’d like to be.
• Gathering relevant information and assessing our options.
• Getting appropriate professional care and peer support.
• Setting reasonable targets for moving forward.
• Planning for contingencies.
• Reducing harm.

Isn’t one good leg enough?

Critical thinkers may ponder the 3-legged stool and say “Baloney! An abstainer has nothing to gain from harm reduction.” I’d suggest that awareness and use of all 3 concepts can benefit any of us.

1. But, what if I’m a long-time abstainer?
   • Are my contingency plans in place for severe cravings? What harm reduction options might be helpful in dulling the effects of a worst-case scenario?
   • How’s my balance? Am I content with the energy I’m investing in living sensibly without alcohol is sufficient? Not overly obsessive?
2. But, I’m a stable 2-a-day drinker! Why abstain?
   • Does my mental balance tip toward being distracted by thoughts of drinking at a given time each day?
   • Could adding DAFT days into the calendar on a regular basis add flexibility and skills to my personal toolbox?
3. But, I tend to binge — attempting to drink moderately doesn’t work for me.
   • Even if it’s not my immediate goal, eventually I may want a life that is broader than a focus on alcohol issues.
   • If I am not hitting my abstinence target consistently, harm reduction (such as blocking options to drive under the influence, or reducing the frequency and severity of binges) may bridge me over to long-term abstinence.

Bottom line: Three legs = Stability

Long-term stability doesn’t come from holding life perfectly static, because that’s simply not possible. Agility and adaptability — like that which comes from abstinence, balance, and consciousness — are the keys to holding things steady when the normal twists and turns of life cause the ground beneath us to shift or tilt.

Barely a Spirit, Not a Demon

Alcohol’s spiritual legacy.

Stuart Walton noted historical spiritual connections to alcohol in his 2002 book, Out of It: A Cultural History of Intoxication:

Alcohol … is the free-flowing blood of Christ in the Transubstantiation, the elusive elixir of eternal life to the alchemists trying to isolate its soul or spirit (and thus giving the name of “spirits” to their earliest rudimentary distillates), … implicated in religious ritual … from the polytheistic carnivals of the Egyptians and the Greco-Roman cults to the benignly providing Yahweh of the Old Testament.

Stanton Peele points out, in Diseasing of America:

The image of “demon rum” was born in the 1800s, the result of [the] discovery of the dangers of drinking. …the idea arose that America could be perfected if everyone ceased drinking alcohol (or, originally, distilled spirits). The temperance movement dates from the formation of the American Temperance Society in 1826…

The temperance ideology differed from the modern alcoholism movement in that it maintained that alcohol is inevitably dangerous and inexorably addictive for everyone. That is, some people might believe they can drink moderately, but it is only a matter of time before they encounter increasing problems and completely lose control of their drinking.

A spiritual aura surrounding alcohol persists in suggestions that its use is not subject to pragmatic, rational control. An AA slogan:

When a person tries to control their drinking, they have already lost control.

Even asserting control over drinking is considered a problem by some experts. Questions from an alcoholism screening questionnaire for senior citizens, where yes answers increase the probability of being told you have a problem:

• Do you have rules for yourself that you won’t drink before a certain time of day or night?
• Have you ever made rules to manage your drinking?

Drawbacks to visualizing a powerful spirit.

When my drinking moved into problematic territory, I was intimately acquainted with the warning signs. At the same time, knowing the “attempted control = loss of control” concept created a Catch-22 for me.

• If I took responsibility for changing my behavior, but didn’t succeed effortlessly, that logic said that I was out of control, and if alcohol hadn’t robbed me of my power, it was probably lurking nearby, waiting for the opportunity to propel me down a slippery slope to an early grave.
• And yet, doing nothing also ceded power to something I was determined to control.

Compared to pragmatic approaches that had worked well for me in handling stress and episodic depression previously, that struck me as magical, uncritical thinking. It did nothing to move me toward healthier choices.

Helpful imagery, not fact.

It makes sense to me that personifying alcohol as a jealous mistress or the desire to drink as a beast have been helpful techniques for a lot of folks. Imagery like that embodies the role drinking had come to play in their lives, and helps them focus their energy on abstaining.

But the simple fact is that alcohol is a molecule with no more inherent power over me than a sugar or fat molecule. Each affects me uniquely, and each has created unique challenges for me.

If I am to be proactive about preventing problems with alcohol, my first line of defense need not be to assume the worst. I need to start with common sense and a pragmatic approach.

I started making progress toward better health related to alcohol when I started demystifying it. Setting aside my fears, I framed it as a habit which had become excessive and needed to change.

Neutering the demon.

Drinking a beer became a choice that offered both plusses and minuses, risks and benefits, not an epic drama between the forces of serenity and lunacy, salvation and damnation, life and death. Abstaining for a day became a good and simple thing to do, not a step in a personal purity campaign. Having a less-than-optimal day with alcohol didn’t mean black clouds were gathering ominously on the horizon, it was something to learn from like a day when I overate.

Drinking habits can become problematic, and habits — any habit — can be hard to change. Like eating, exercise, study or self-care habits which resist change (good ones are difficult to start, undesirable ones a challenge to let go of), many drinking habits can be redirected with common sense and practice.

Apart from a conscious decision to frame it otherwise, alcohol has no mystical powers, no evil tentacles. Taking up healthier habits with alcohol (including abstinence) is not always easy, but the process is similar, and in many ways as simple as, figuring out how to take up new exercise habits.

Top Ten Fundamentals

What are the fundamental concepts for living sensibly with alcohol?

First, the ABCs:

• Abstinence: In daily increments or long-term.
• Balance: Moderate life habits, including drinking and thinking about drinking.
• Consciousness: Awareness, planning, and harm reduction.

Bose’s Top Ten Concepts:

1. Alcohol: Barely a spirit, not a demon.
2. Problem: Drinking? Solution: Drink less.
3. Charting and reducing harm: A place to start.
4. Stage the change: Skip boot camp, don’t wait for New Years.
5. Skillpower beats willpower.
6. Denial happens, but ambivalence is the issue, and motivation is the answer.
7. Abstinence: An essential discipline, not the only discipline.
8. Chips are good, but blips are normal, and the trend trumps both.
9. Harm reduction: Small steps matter.
10. Good alcohol care is good medical care.

An Intriguing Journey, Not a Destination.

It is tempting to look for blacks and whites — obvious problems and pure, permanent solutions — but living sensibly with alcohol tends to be a journey. It has much more to do with living fully while appreciating our crazy, quirky lives than it does with the specific role played by drinking or any other single issue.

Experiences with alcohol often shift from one season of life to the next. Choices that made sense and brought us joy (or hardship) in an old season give way to reshaped personal truths, new choices, and fresh joy (as well as challenges) in the new season.

Good answers, and good health, come from being fully engaged in living sensibly, living well.