Oprah Questions Denial

I caught an intriguing verbal exchange on the topic of denial a couple months back on Oprah. The episode was called Moms Who Drink Too Much.

The expert featured that day was Debra Jay, who is an addiction specialist, a professional interventionist, and author. She and Jeff Jay published Love First: A New Approach to Intervention for Alcoholism and Drug Addiction, in 2000.

They had talked earlier with:

• Sarah, who identified as an alcoholic for the first time and agreed that treatment was necessary.
• Amber, who had spoken about drinking wine nightly, generally not more than 2 glasses while her children were awake.

During the “After The Show” featuring the same folks, after Amber mentioned taking responsibility for herself (as she had done during the main show, as well), the conversation turned to denial:

Debra: [T]his is what’s hard for people to get: You’ll never see [alcoholism] coming. You’ll never see it coming. People always say, “I’m watching it,” and I’m thinking, “What are you watching? What are you waiting for? What do you think you’re going to see?”

Oprah: See, now I don’t get that…

Amber: So, would it be irresponsible…

Oprah: I don’t get that, I don’t get that, Debra, because…

Debra (to Sarah): Did you see it coming?

Oprah: You would see it coming…

Debra: No, you don’t. Did you see it coming?

Oprah: You would see it coming if you blacked out.

Debra: No.

Oprah: You would see it coming if you get to the point where you’re …

Debra: No.

Oprah: …confrontational, your personality is altered. You would see…

Debra: Remember what I said earlier was, the first thing that goes is your ability to be self-aware. That’s the first part of the brain that the alcohol hits.

Oprah: You would see it coming if your husband is saying, “Look, you’ve got a problem.”

Debra: You and I, listen, you and I would see it coming, but an alcoholic cannot see it coming. Can’t see it. Cannot see it. I’ll tell you, I just worked with somebody, got him into treatment, and his first assignment was, “Tell us how your personality changed,” and he said, “Not at all,” and then they said, “Well, call your family.” And, boy was he surprised at what he heard…

Oprah: OK.

Debra: …totally different story.

Oprah: OK, I’m not, I’m not buying it, Debra.

Debra: It is tough. No, it is a tough one.

Oprah (to Sarah): You didn’t see this coming?

Sarah: I knew blacking out wasn’t normal, but still couldn’t think I was an alcoholic. I just kept trying to find a way to control it - eat a little more, switch to this drink, I just kept trying. But, I mean yeah, there were huge, huge red flags. My family said from the very beginning, “You drink alcohol and your personality changes.” Well, everyone thought that but me.

Debra: The word for it is denial. That’s the hallmark of addiction: Denial.

This intrigues me. Ostensibly, the show was reaching out to mothers with a word of warning about drinking problems, and yet Debra Jay seemed to be suggesting that it is impossible for folks to see a problem developing and be proactive about circumventing it.

She makes it clear that she’s referring to alcoholics here, and had just said to Amber, “I’m not telling you, ‘You have an alcohol problem.’” At the same time, daily drinking and detailed rule-making, both of which described Amber, had been named as potential red flags, signs that alcoholism could be developing even though external consequences were not yet occuring.

Update: August 7, 2004

I used an email address at the site hosted by Debra and Jeff Jay to contact Debra to ask if she’d be interested in clarifying things or adding to the conversation:

From: Bose [bose@sensibly.org]
Sent: Tuesday, July 27, 2004 6:55 AM
To: [The contact address offered at LoveFirst.net]
Subject: Ms. Debra Jay: Question

Dear Ms. Jay,

Hi. I’m a freelance writer focusing on wellness and substance abuse issues.

I got to see the Oprah show titled “Moms Who Drink Too Much” a couple months back. I hope things came together for Sarah in terms of treatment and recovery.

I got confused, though, in the “After The Show” segment when you spoke of alcoholics’ inability to see addiction coming. I wrote about it a bit at my alcohol-related website, and I was wondering if you’d be interested in clarifying your thoughts.

The piece is here:
http://live.sensibly.org/2004/07/27/oprah/

Feel free to respond at your convenience by email, or by posting a comment at my site.

Thanks, so much, for your assistance. Have a great day!

Sincerely,

Steve Boese
bose@sensibly.org
Washington DC

To date, I haven’t heard anything back from her. The offer is still open — I welcome her comments here or direct reply by email. If there is anything she would like to add to the conversation, it’s important to me that she have that opportunity.

And, to be clear, I am not going to single any one person out. Everything I see tells me Ms. Jay is an accomplished professional whose focus appears to be folks who are struggling at the severe end of the alcohol issues spectrum, and I have no doubt that she has served her clients well.

My only comment is that most social drinkers have rules ... I have rules around most every substance I inhale or ingest. I don't believe I am at risk for addiction.
When I was 19 years old I went to A.A. because I saw it coming ... I quit drinking for over 20 years. I think people make choices on some level to ignore and deny reality. I probably overreacted by staying abstinent for so long, but it served its purpose. It was a choice, just like it is a choice to constantly repeat the same behaviors over and over again ... I love my free will!!! What a gift. It is difficult to get 'outside the box' after many years of A.A. indoctrination and the current lack of tolerance in society that has resulted in the misuse of terms like 'disease', 'addiction' and 'powerlessness'.
Thank you.